Oh yeah, please give me, give me, give me some of that self-esteem!
Here you go, don’t you worry now – everything’s gonna be all right.
Wow, wouldn’t it be fabulous if it were so easy to get a that great feeling I hear about all the time? Some people just seem to have an innate sense of self-worth.
I’ve tried and tried to look at myself from every angle in the past and I just couldn’t work up that positive attitude. Yesterday something happened and I got some new insight into my perpetual lack of self-esteem.
I have turned myself upside down and inside out trying to feel good about myself but to no avail. I just seemed to be completely out of my element. Depression, of course, plays a major role but I sense there is something more to it. Something that makes me completely useless when I try to see and own the good in me – my strengths, my qualities, my value as a human being.
I came up with these images to bolster my self-esteem and the value I place on myself as a human being…
But then, no sooner as I did it than…
Reality hit me squarely in the head and in my heart.
I didn’t feel these things because my heart had taken too many shots and it was hurting and damaged and it turned those impressions and pain inwardly.
What has so ripped my heart apart that I find it virtually impossible to love myself or at least feel good about myself? I mulled it over and I think I’ve narrowed it down to the three major impacts on my self-esteem –
The stigma of people being afraid of mental illness and treating me like I had a third ear growing from my forehead.
Judgment from those who thought me weak because I should just work harder at controlling my emotions and my illness (well, truth be told, they usually reject the idea of illness and view it as weakness of character).
Rejection by the above-mentioned people and society in general because I am faulty. Particularly painful is the rejection of prospective friends or lovers who run the other way when they discover that you’re ”weird”, ”sick in the head” and probably too much of a burden.
Figuring this out while gathering my thoughts for this post, and in the writing of it, not only
brought me clarity, but it brought me strength. Does that mean I suddenly feel great about myself and I feel no pain? Noooo, but I did realize that I am letting outside forces dictate how I perceive myself, how I feel about myself and how I treat myself.
I’ve decided that I really want to change because it is difficult enough to live with mental illness, I don’t need to be dragging around the weight of self-loathing.
Gee, that sounded so very grounded and powerful as I wrote it, but now I’m trying to figure out how the heck to go about it. I say that and I instantly realize that just doing this post and coming to these realizations is the first step. Still, I am imbued with low self-esteem – it’s not just going to peel off like the sloughing off of skin after a sunburn. Bummer.
Wish me well and wish me strength, as I do for you.