Things That Make Me Smile!


Things (animals & people too!) That Make Me Smile

SMILES! ID-100245974Smiles make me smile.

HUGS! th (1) Hugs make me smile.

BABIES! th (3)    Babies make me smile.

DOGS & CATS! 13082585_507760832756410_2408853180560965243_n  Dogs & cats make me smile.

TRUCKS! 0808dp_02_z+custom_big_rig_truck_show+1990_peterbilt  Really cool trucks make me smile.

CLOWNS! ID-10031710Clowns make me smile.

FLOWERS! th (4)  Flowers make me smile.

THIS POST!  images (7)   This post made me smile.




Scary People

images25  6238275-cartoon-of-people-cheering-in-amazement  images25


The above graphics will probably confuse most people since the group of people portrayed seem friendly and jovial. What’s scary about them? EVERYTHING! Thiimages24s post is about people that scare me and those that are most horrifying and damaging to me the most are not those whom are dismissive or nasty from the get-go.

The people who intimidate and unnerve me most are those that feign being supportive and encouraging when in fact they are judgmental, have no empathy and are the least compassionate.


I’m not only scared by these kinds of people, but they infuriate mdownload (38)e because I’ve had to face their unpleasantness, their dismissal of my difficulties and their determination to hanging on to their ignorance.

Why scared? I am ultra-sensitive and I have difficulty establishing interpersonal relationships. So ridicule, being misunderstood and REJECTION cause me to spin out of control. I isolate; I am injured psychologically and I absorb how people perceive me and turn it inwards. I feel unworthy of love and 3d0ba4b81da20163c780cd640f9ec2dcsupport, and I am despairing.

Somedays my sadness is so great that I feel I may lose control completely and drown in my own tears.

I wonder if that would satisfy my detractors? I wonder if my misery and sorrow would move their hearts or if they would stick to their perceptions because it suits them for me to be the ”black sheep” – the weird one – the troublesome one.

As for me, I am forlorn. I feel abandoned by some; rejected by others and completely
misunderstood by many. The attitudes and manner in which I have been treated has made download (27)me very despondent and wounded.










To clarify, I must state that I suffer from 3 mental illnesses (they started in my teens and had go3-headed-dragon-3tten progressively worse until I was diagnosed 4 years ago) Bipolar Affective Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I won’t go into details of all the symptoms, I’ll just say that all 3 affect my judgment, my self-esteem, my control and my ability to manage my life.



Crying Monster

So what am I to do about scary people and how they affect me? Do I simply accept their perception of me as truth? Do I spend my life lonely, anxious, and distressed? Do I internalize my feelings and invalidate myself? Do I keep avoiding close relationships for fear of abandonment or rejection? …

Well, that’s what I’d been doing for as long as I can remember and I am now putting all my efforts into renouncing these perceptions and beliefs about who and what I am and I will learn to love and accept myself!











Gimme Some Of That Self-Esteem!

download (5)Oh yeah, please give me, give me, give me some of that self-esteem!

Here you go, don’t you worry now – everything’s gonna be all right.

download (39)Wow, wouldn’t it be fabulous if it were so easy to get a that great feeling I hear about all the time? Some people just seem to have an innate sense of self-worth.

I’ve tried and tried to look at myself from every angle in the past and I just couldn’t work up that positive attitude. Yesterday something happened and I got some new insight into my perpetual lack of self-esteem.

I have turned myself upside down and inside out trying to feel good about myself but to no avail. I just seemed timages (56)o be completely out of my element. Depression, of course, plays a mimages66633ajor role but I sense there is something more to it.  Something that makes me completely useless when I try to see and own the good in me – my strengths, my qualities, my value as a human being.

I came up with these images to bolster my self-esteem and the value I place on myself as a human being…

download (32)     images56236

14     images23233    download (33)


But then, no sooner as I did it than…

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Reality hit me squarely in the head and in my heart.

images121212I didn’t feel these things because my heart had taken too many shots and it was hurting and damaged and it turned those impressions and pain inwardly.

What has so ripped my heart apart that I find it virtually impossible to love myself or at least feel good about myself? I mulled it over and I think I’ve narrowed it down to the three major impacts on my self-esteem –


images66565          images (3)

The stigma of people being afraid of mental illness and treating me like I had a third ear growing from my forehead.

Judgment from those who thought me weak because I should just work harder at controlling my emotions and my illness (well, truth be told, they usually reject the idea of illness and view it as weakness of character).

Rejection by the above-mentioned people and society in general because I am faulty. Particularly painful is the rejection of prospective friends or lovers who run the other way when they discover that you’re ”weird”, ”sick in the head” and probably too much of a burden.

download (35)

Figuring this out while gathering my thoughts for this post, and in the writing of it, not only

brought images52635me clarity, but it brought me strength. Does that mean I suddenly feel great about myself and I feel no pain? Noooo, but I did realize that I am letting outside forces dictate how I perceive myself, how I feel about myself and how I treat myself.

I’ve decided that I really want to change because it is difficult enough to live with mental illness, I don’t need to be dragging around the weight of self-loathing. 

207 - CopyGee, that sounded so very grounded and powerful as I wrote it, but now I’m trying to figure out how the heck to go about it. I say that and I instantly realize that just doing this post and coming to these realizations is the first step. Still, I am imbued with low self-esteem – it’s not just going to peel off like the sloughing off of skin after a sunburn. Bummer.

Wish me well and wish me strength, as I do for you.


I Need Strength – Sing To Me

This is a re-blog of a post I made a year ago. Although my life is much happier and more stable today, I want to share this post again because it is one of my favorites for boosting my morale. I hope someone out there can relate and that it helps improve their mood and their inner strength.

th6325Whirling thoughts, racing heart, fear, uncertainty, trapped, anxiety, up/down,
massive myriad of mental symptoms from explosion of 3 disorders at once.
Obsessive brain barf.
Feeling that I can’t survive… can’t even try I feel so wound up.


How? I need help and there is nothing.
I am alone.

I won’t endure this without turning to
physical pain to ease the angst.

Find a way to break free, if only for a little while.
Maybe a trace of the relief will cling because mutilation
doesn’t only leave visible scars – it
destroys a little piece of me each time.


What things touch my heart, my gut, my thinking?
What could wrap me in it’s arms and cut me some slack?

Music does all the above for me and I know it.
Immerse myself
in positive, strength building songs.
Songs that tell me that I am strong and I will

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Christina Aguilera – Fighter

Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive

R. Kelly – I Believe I Can Fly

 Queen – The Show Must Go On


Strange Mood Seeks Same (Reblog)

This is a re-blog from my other blog about mental health. I’ve not just gotten lazy; I want to share this (& maybe others) because it is as pertinent today as the day I first posted it 17/02/15. Well, actually I am feeling better today than when I first posted this but the underlying discomfort is omnipresent. That is not to say that I am identifying as being bipolar – I suffer from Bipolar Affective Disorder but I am sooo much more!!


I am definitely going through some really odd mood transition. I feel cruddy, yet almost too calm. My brain won’t stop with the compulsive thinking and yet my moods seem to be images (4)all flat-lining at the same time except for agitation… yup, the kind of agitation that makes you need to do something but stops you from being able to focus enough to do anything! Ack!





This has been going on for a while and I don’t know what to attribute it to – I’m mildly depressed, agitated, lacking any motivation, anxious (the kind with no reason why), calm yet co201nstantly seeking something to amuse, stimulate, put some ooomph into my day. The days are just running into each other and I am bored but unable to commit to any project. Ack! I’m all over the place crazy! I feel completely without direction, or too much directions.




So, ok, I couldn’t come up with anything intelligent to blog about so I considered what I needed for a while and I decided to go with …

images855because my brain is overwhelmed with random thoughts and it seemed fitting to share that. I know I’m not alone feeling like this. Sometimes bi-polar episodes are not clear-cut or I’m morphing from one episode to another or, even more uncomfortable, I’m floating out in the world of nothingness.

I have to combat this somehow so I set out to scour the internet for random stuff that made me amused, squirm, listen, be amazed by and so on. This post is all about the visual and auditory random ramblings of a bipolar person totally uncomfortable and at her wits end about what to do with it. Enjoy (I hope).

I begin with the oddest animal photoshop that I found and that made me look twice…


followed by really odd human images…

thLQIQB95O   th6299DQ7D   th81Z45I4Y

Which brings me to my first random rambling… what is it with piercings these days?? These are not bad haircuts you can grow out or safety pins through your cheek… these suckers are going to leave permanent damage! I don’t get it. Maybe I’m just over-the-hill but you try and get a job when your face is all tattooed and your earlobes hang down to your neck… eeew! and good luck!

I follow up with some really bizarre tree formations. I researched this because I love trees and forests as they calm me down and I love their beauty. These trees are pretty special though.
th6YEUIP7E   thH67S46PJ   thBL6W9SVN

Somehow I can relate to these trees. They don’t fit the mold. The one above reminds me that I have holes throughout my core so that I’m not as solid as I could be. I feel like I’m always posing by the top right trees and I feel all twisted and irregular like the forest on the left.


Throw in a couple of jokes to keep things moving….

images589   images582








Now, back to semi-serious I looked up bizarre or unusual cloud formations. Why? Well because clouds fascinate and scare me at the same time – something akin to how I make myself feel – and at the same time they are so beautiful even at their worst – something that I strive to feel about myself! 😀

Aren’t they COOL?!

Lastly, I finish this random rambling with 3 videos that are all extremely different from one another. I chose the first because in a strange way it reflects how I have to be so careful about so many things or else my lifestyle will set off my disorder. It’s an absolute drag. The second I chose because it is a parody of the song ”Happy” and a parody really suits my present state. Lastly, and oddest for me, is a really upbeat Christian song with cheery kids and animals… where the heck did that come from?!? Eh, it made me smile and that makes it worth having the choice spot of ”last but not least”!

Everything that will kill you – from A to Z:


Weird Al Yankovic – Tacky (Happy):

Wierd animals VBS 2014 – All around the world:


New Year’s Dread-olutions

Every year, on the very same date, many mark the end of one year and the beginning of another with much fanfare and debauchery. New-Year-2014-Fireworks1Around the world fireworks light the sky; champagne lights our imaginations; dancing and singing light our spirits. It is a yearly celebration that brings together families, friends and communities in an  explosion of joyous festivities – 

December 31st- NEW YEAR’S EVE!!

However, this post is not about partying on New Year’s Eve. No, it’s not even about the evening itself. It is about the strange tradition of New Year’s Resolutions – or as I like to call them: Dread-olutions! 

Granted the horrid Dread-olutions are meant to be a promise to do positive acts of self-improvement or something that benefits others in the year to come – can’t fault that motivation. The dread-olutions even have many religious origins from the Babylonians, the Romans, Christians, etc…


 In the weeks before and after January 1st I am constantly being asked images (5)what my ”resolutions” are for the coming year. That annoys me just like all silly questions irritate me.

Also, who are you to project on me your need to improve in some way – maybe I’m just dang perfect as I am!

Ok, that last one was just to throw you off. Truth be told, I admit that there is so much I could do to make myself healthier, happier, more efficient, more caring and kinder to my fellow beasts on this planet.

That’s problem #1 -I go batty trying to decide which of my weaknesseimages (6)s or faults should take precedence – this alone is a self-esteem buster as you have to dwell on the negative in order to choose which positive traits you are lacking! UGH!!

you-committed-chain-link-ball-determined-goal-question-words-shiny-silver-metal-links-to-illustrate-34057643Problem #2 –  Too many choices and the effort has to last sooo long! An abiding commitment is an absolute must if I am to maintain and grow into the new behaviors I vow to fulfill as my dread-olutions. 

Success depends upon commitment and I don’t know about you but I don’t have
 a great track record for keeping them.

Is it because I’m lethargic, lazy, disinterested or just incapable of keeping my resolve? Ah, to some extent that’s all true but the most significant
lazy_turtleaspect holding me back is that here in North America, and probably elsewhere, I am doomed from the get-go by the typical dread-olutions I am supposed to adhere to.

For example:

I will join a gym & exercise daily &
I will delight in social activities

download (1)                     Healthy lifestyle concept with dancing active people.
(A gym is $$$ & I have chronic pain
& I suffer from anxiety disorder)

I will no longer eat junk food                  I will tithe 15%

images (4)                            currency
(Pleasure will cease to exist &
Charities donate to me!)

Well then, I guess that covers why I hate dread-olusions but where does that leave me? Do I not bother to strive for betterment at all?  Is this just an excuse not to be active or healthy or helpful? Nope. It means I eschew the usual hoo-haw surrounding New Year’s Dread-olusions and go to:

images (7)Which is a life-long work on improving myself and helping make this a better world for everyone!

Share what I can with those whom have less


If I don’t permit myself some goodies, I will not last on any diet

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I could work on this – within reason
A person has to know when a relationship is toxic & walk away

success (1)
Reject invalidation and develop a more positive attitude!
YAY – everyone is a winner!!!!!

This song is really an advertisement for Der Kettler and all the perky, fit people in it annoy me a little but, if you close your eyes and just listen to the lyrics, it is truly inspiring and empowering. Just the kind of things that RESOLUTIONS  DREAD-OLUTIONS are meant to achieve.